Does This Make You Feel Safe?

Last week, I officially sent my enrollment deposit to the University of Notre Dame. Somehow, I thought everything after making the decision would be all down hill - however, there still lies the question of "how am I going to pay for it?".

When I wrote the first blog entry while filling out federal aid papers, I didn't fully understand exactly what I was doing. I think I was under the impression that receiving federal aid meant the government would give me money because I needed it - it didn't really occur to me that they would, but I'd have to pay it back, i.e. student loans - I just didn't make the connection.

On Friday night, I had to complete an online loan counseling session that taught me what my federal loan is and when I'm expected to pay it back. I'm getting two kinds of loans, a federal direct loan for $3,500 a year, which is from the U.S. Department of Education, and a federal Perkins loan for $2,400 a year, which comes from the university. In total, I'm borrowing $5,900 annually as of right now - I may have to borrow less depending on variable expenses like transportation and books, etc. The total estimated cost of a year at Notre Dame is about $53,000. For the first year, I'm getting about $32,000 a year on scholarship. Depending on if I decide to do the work study program for another $2,000 a year doing odd jobs for the university, we have to pay the balance of whatever's left.

However, my parents definitely don't have some $20,000 just laying around every year. So how do we make the difference?
Get another loan.

The loan process is actually rather efficient. It sounds rather scary to owe so much money, but the payment schedule is pretty reasonable. Upon graduating from Notre Dame, I'll owe about $24,000. After graduation, I have a six month "grace period" before I have to make my first payment within 60 days of the end of the grace period. I can choose from a range of payment plans that spread the total over 10-30 years. According to the chart, if I choose the standard plan, with my total I'll pay about $300 a month and be done in less than 10 years.

However, I'm not entirely sure where I'm going to get the money for med school...but I think we're just going to have to worry about that later, considering the idea of coming up with another $200,000 is not a very pretty idea.

You're Not That Bright Now...But You Will Be, Someday Soon

I think I should start a running tally of all the things that make me genuinely happy no matter what:

1) Disney movies. For a variety of reasons (some of which are more cynical than light-hearted. But we'll have this talk some other time). SIDE NOTE: The Princess and the Frog was the very best thing ever. And I mean that. No cynicism involved.

2) Weddings. I'm not even kidding.

In all honesty, the past ten months or so have been pretty rough. Maybe even a little bit before that. It's just been a nonstop stress-filled trip, basically. Almost like the future decided to rush me to see if I could take it.

Like I said before, going away to college has always been part of the grand plan - and it's always felt like if the plan didn't work out, it must mean that I failed at something, somewhere along the way. Well, four or five rejection letters in a row are staring that plan down at this moment. Anyway, let's just say this past week or so hasn't been the greatest.

However, today, we received the highly anticipated wedding invitation from Sharon, the second oldest daughter of our longtime family friend. I read every word, and broke into an uncontrollable smile (yes, I do realize this makes me unreasonably sentimental).

Later, I realized: That invitation meant more to me than any college acceptance letter could have. Because it means something more than getting into a designer label school, or appeasing my parents - or meeting someone else's requirements for happiness.

I think William Faulkner had it all figured out.


In other college news, (which is mainly why I started this blog - to talk about college stuff):
My financial aid offer came in from Tulane today (about an hour before we got Sharon's wedding invitation, actually). Basically, they'll give me about $39,100 total. $8,500 in loans from the school, $3,000 in exchange for me taking a part-time job there, $20,000 as my original scholarship offer upon acceptance, and an extra $7,600 thrown in as a gift for good measure. In the end, my family would have to come up with about $15,000 a year, not including paying back the loans (you can do the math).

Basically, college doesn't come cheap. Although my dad so eloquently described it yesterday, "All the scholarships and discounts and numbers - it's not real money". Which makes sense when you think about it.
Sadly, however, the less fake money you're offered, the more real money you've got to hand over.

Life Has Meaning Only in the Struggle

For some reason, I've spent the past six months or so doing everything I could to conceal a fact - that I'm scared to death about everything that deals with college. In all fairness, I didn't realize it until recently. I think I've always felt it - but I've been so excited about all of this change that I didn't acknowledge the fact that I waited until the last minute to finish application essays, and i put away letters asking for admission decisions, and I ignore emails about visiting, and I left financial aid applications to my parents.
Maybe if I admit it, I can defeat it.

In all seriousness, I have always been in love with the idea of living somewhere different. Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to go somewhere other than Auburn. The city's always been too small, or too quiet, or too boring, or too safe. As an only child, I spend a lot of time alone, which gives me time to think - time to be restless. Going away to college was just something that was part of my plan. I never thought about what it would take for it to be possible - it was just part of the plan.

Then senior year came around, and things started to become real. Old teachers and parents of friends (never my own, though) would look at me, smile and shake their heads incredulously, and say "Man. I can't believe you're graduating already". And until recently, I didn't believe it either. Until about three hours ago.

As most eligible seniors know, the financial aid deadline (FAFSA, CSS forms, etc.) is in about two days. And because of my aversion to anything bigger than myself, I have let this fall to my parents without question. But when our accountant wasn't able to get us our tax return forms until today, I thought I'd try to lessen my parent's paperwork by filling out as much of it as I could. At this point, only four things are certain:
1) I owe a good portion of my soul to Auburn University for their generous scholarship offer. Scholarship = no financial aid needed = no paperwork = :)
2) I know close to nothing about my parent's finances. And/or my own.
3) I sat down at this computer three hours ago with the full intention of watching Sex and the City reruns on hulu.com.
4) WHY DID I APPLY TO THIS MANY UNIVERSITIES?

And this is where reality rears its ugly head.
Looks like ignorance isn't going to cut it any more.